親愛的母親 dear (第1/7頁)
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克麗斯汀·古爾德
ChristineGoold
Afterthirtyyears，IamfinallybeginningtoareciatethemotheryouhavebeentomeAlthoughJanaisonlytenmonthsold，IfeelIhavelearnedmoreaboutyouintheshorttimesinceherbirththaninallmyyearsofgrowinguandbreakingaway。
AsIgoaboutmynewlifeofcaringforJana，Iconstantlywonder，howonearthdidyoudoit?You，whoraisednotone，nottwo，butsixchildren。Imstillfeelingshockwavesfromthechangeanduheavalonechildhasmadeinmylife，andIknowthatwhatIhaveexeriencedsofarisonlyaglimse，thebaresthint，ofallyouwentthroughraisingus。
“Youlearntosacrificewhenyouhavechildren。”wasoneofyourstockhraseswhenIwasgrowingu。Toyou，sacrificewasanecessaryvirtue，anaccetedartofarenthood。ButIdidntgoforthat。Iconsideredsacrificenotonlyunnecessary，butunfashionableanddownrightunaealingaswell。
Well，Mom，whatcanIsay?Imlearning。
Lately，Ivebeguntolookonmotherhoodasaninitiationinto“reallife”。IdontthinkIrealizeduntilJanasbirththatthelifeIdledreviously-relativelyfree，easy，andaffluent-isnotthelifeledbymosteole-astorresent。Bybecomingamother，Iseemtohaveacquiredautomaticmembershiintoauniversalclubmadeuofuncertaintiesandvulnerabilities。limitationsanddifficulties，andsometimes，unsolvableroblems。Ofcourse，theclubhasitsbenefits，too。
WhenJanawakesfromherafternoonnaand，sohaytoseeme，givesmeherradiantfull-facesmile，IsmilebackandfeelonmyownfacethesmileyouusedtogivemewhenIwokeuinthemorning。Or，whenJanadoessomethingarticularlycute，IllglanceuatGary，andinthelookweexchangeIseetheoneIremembercrossingbetweenyouanddadatoositeendsofthedinnertable。ItwasalookfulloffeelingsIneverknewuntilnow。
WhenIholdJanaclosetomeandlookdowntoseemyhandtightacrossherchest。OrwhenItuckablanketaroundherwhileshesleesandtouchtheskinofhercheek。Iseeyourhands（thosehardworkinghandswiththeirsmoothovalnails，steadyandcaableandcaring）doingthesamethings。ThenIfeelasifsomeoftheloveandsecurityyougavetomethroughthosehandsisnowinmine，asIassthatIoveontoJana。
TheotherdayJanafellasleeagainstmyarm。Imusthavesentfifteenortwentyminutesstaringather，marvelingatthewheatcolorofherhair，thesulenessofherskin，hererfecttinyredmouth，movingnowandtheninslee。WhatarushIfelt，ofloveandwonder，ofcareandluck，andmore。IsuddenlyrememberedsomethingIsawonyourfacelastsummer，whenIwashomeonavisitshortlyafterJanasbirth。
