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i蘇珊·福塞特
SusanFawcett
ReflexivelyIreachedtoturnonmycarradio,resettoKGBX,thesoft-rockstationIalwayslistentoonmyearly-morningdrivestomyjobattheostoffice。ThenIglancedatmy14-year-olddaughterintheassengerseatandthoughtbetterofit。Lizworeadress。Thatinitselfbesoketheseriousnessoftheoccasion。WewereonourwaytotheSringfield,Missouri,districtwidemusiccometition,whereLizwouldbelayingaflutesolo,herveryfirst。IknewfrommyowncometitiondaysbackinMinnesotathatitmessedwithyourconcentrationtohearanymusicbesidestheieceyouwerelanningtolay。
“Dadsaidhemightcome,”Lizsaid。Herfatherhadntbeenabigartofherlifesinceourdivorce10yearsearlier,andshesoundedbothexcitedandscared。
Boy,didIknowthatfeeling-wantingtoimressyourfatherandatthesametime,beingterrifiedoflettinghimdown?SuddenlyIwas12yearsoldagain,sittingonstageattheMinnesotastatemusiccometition,fingersoisedonthekeyboardofmyshinyblackPanltaliaaccordion。Ilookedoutattheaudienceofroudarents。ThenIsawhim。Mydad。Hesatattheendofarow,armsfolded,crewcutbristling。Hisiercingblueeyesnarrowedbehindhisblack-rimmedglassesandfocusedunwaveringlyonme。
Icomletelychoked。IdracticedmycontestieceformonthsuntilIknewitbyheart,insideandout。Butmyfancyaccordionmightaswellhavebeenacardboardboxthatafternoon。Iforcedoutsomesemblanceofatuneandfledthestageintears。
Noconsolationcamefrommyfather,aWorldWarIIveteranwhoeitomizedauthority。Hedidntsayathingtome。Hejusttookthewheelofourstationwagon,hismouthagrimlineaswesetoffonthe150-miledrivebacktoDuluth。Ididntsayanythingeither。WhatcouldIsay,really,afterwhatIddone?IknewhowhardDadworkedtoscraetogetherenoughmoneyformyaccordionandlessons。Buttheonetimehewasabletocometoacometition,Ilethimdown。
Thefartherwedrove,themorethesilenceinourstationwagongrewuntilitstoodlikeanimenetrablewallbetweenDadandme。Itseemedaneseciallycruelunishmentconsideringmusichadbeenourdeeestconnection。
BythetimeIcamealong,thelastoffivechildren,myfatherwaswornoutfromthedemandsofsuortingalargefamily。MybrothersandsistersandItitoedaroundhimwhenhecamehomefromhisshiftatJenosPizzafactory。ButonSundayafternoons,Dadwouldsitbackinhisreclinerandaskmetolayforhim。HelovedthemusicoftheBigBandera,andnonemorethanthesongTwilightTime。Itaughtmyselfthetunefromthesheetmusic,justforhim。Itdidntseemtomatterthatmyrenditionwaslackinginstyle。Myfatherwouldhumalong,hiseyesclosed,tearsescaingfromthecornersasifIdtransortedhimtosomemagical,heavenlylace。
Dadneversaidawordtheentirewayhome,neveragainattendedoneofmycometitions。InevergotoverthehurtofhavingdisaointedtheoneersonIdmostwantedtomakeroud。Idlostmorethanmycomosurethatafternoon。IfeltasifIdlostthekeytomyfathersheart,andhediedbeforeIcouldfinditagain。