愛上陌生人 t lve a tranr (第2/7頁)
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Ilivedwithmymotherfrom1984to1990，astheillnessslowlytookitstoll。Itwasaallingtowatchherchangerightinfrontofme。Shedidntjustforgetthings。Shebecameadifferenterson-onewhomIdidnotrecognize。Whenmyboyfriendwouldwatchtelevision，shedwalkincirclesaroundhischair，mutteringunderherbreathandscowling。Sheketahammerhiddeninherroomandwieldeditattheslightestrovocation。Ifshegotoutofthehouse，shedrefusetocomebackin。Instead，shewouldrundownthestreet，callingfortheolicetohelher。Shedcometobelievethatshewasaoliceofficer-aconvictiontouchedoffbyaletterinvitinghertotakethecivilservicetest。Onlyanotheroliceofficercouldconvincehertocomeintothehouse。
Thisisnotmymother，Iwouldtellmyself。Mymotherhadnointerestinmen;thisersoncalledmenovertoherwindow。Mymothernevercried，yetthiswomanbrokeintotearsattheslightestthing。Mymotheralwaysaearedoliteandgood-natured。Thiswomanwasquick-temeredandslightlyaranoid。Shemovedmagazines，silverware，dishes，andclothingaroundthehouse。WhenIaskedabouttheobjects，shedbecomeangryandyellatmeforthinkingshehaddonesomethingwrong。Shetoldmethatothereole，notshe，hadmovedthesethings。
“Comehere，”shedsayforcefully，grabbingmyhandandullingmeintoherroom。“Listen。Doyouhearthem?Theytookit。”
Tolearnmoreaboutthedisease，mysisterandIattendedgrousforfamiliesofAlzheimersatients。Welearnednottoblamemymotherforthingsshesaidordid。TheAlzheimerswastalking，nother。
Asthediseaserogressed，mymothergrewfrightened。Shedsay，“Whatshaeningtome?WhycantIremember?”
BeforeAlzheimers，mymotherneveradmittedfearorsadnesstome。Now，shebecamestrangelyfreewithheremotions，cryingwhenfrightened，exressingangerwhenfurious，andlaughingwhenexhilarated。AsIreleasedmyercetionsofwhomymotherwassuosedtobe，webothbecamecalmer。
IusedeverythingIcouldtostayconnectedtoherasshelosttheabilitytoengageinthehallmarksoflinearlife。Mymotherhadalwaysloveddancing。WhenIcamehomefromwork，IdturnonTinaTurnerorJanetJackson，andwewoulddanceanddance。Idlayherfavoritesongsontheiano，andshedlaceherhandontooftheoldurightandsingeachnoteandeveryworderfectly。
Asmymothersillnessrogressed，IsawthatIcouldnotrovidethecaresheneeded，soIdecidedtoutherinanursinghome。Nowthatshesaway，Idreadthedaywhenshewillnolongerknowme。Sometimessheseemslosttome。Butthensomethinghaens，suchasmywedding。Eventhoughsheexressednointerest，Ineededherthere。Onmyweddingday，shemarchedinwithmyfather，stemother，aunts，uncles，andcousins。Shesatbehindme，occasionallymurmuringintimetotheministersseechasheouredlibations。Whenitcametimeformetostand。shelookedatmeandsangoutroudly，“Thatsmygal。”Iturnedtoher。“Yes，Mom，itsme。”
WhenIvisitherinthenursinghome，wedontcarryontyicalconversations。Rather，ItalkaboutmydayandactoutAnansitales。OrImassageherarms，shoulders，andhands。Shegrabsmyarmandcradlesit，talkingallthewhileabouthowshelovesbabies。AndwhenIfeellikeababymyself，wishingIcouldjusttellallmytroublestomymotherandknoweverythingwillbeallright，sheholdsmyhandtightoratsmyhead，andImcomforted。
WhenItelleole，theirfacesdro。“Youoorthing，”theysay。Perhastheytellmeaboutlovedoneswhobecameunrecognizableastheirbrainsdegenerated，ravagedbyAtzheimers。
