長大成人 when allie left h (第2/8頁)

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Somehowintheastwehadalwaysfoundsomewaytoconnect。WhenAlliewasatoddler，Iwouldgototheday-carecenterafterwork。Idfindaquietsotandshewouldnurse-oureyeslockedtogether，reconnectingwitheachother。

Inmiddleschool，whenothermotherswerealreadylamentingtheestrangementtheyfeltwiththeiradolescentdaughters，Ihituonasolution:rescueraids。Iwouldshowuoccasionallyatschool，signheroutofclassandtakehersomewhere-outtolunch，tothemovies，onceforalongwalkonthebeach。Itmaysoundirresonsible，butitketusclosewhenothermothersanddaughterswerefloundering。Wetalkedabouteverythingonthoseoutings-outingsweketsecretfromfamilyandfriends。

Whenshestartedhighschool，Idgetuwithherinthemorningtomakeherasandwichforlunch，andwedsilentlydrinkacuofteatogetherbeforethe6：40buscame。

AcouleoftimesduringhersenioryearIwentintoherroomatnight，thelightoff，butbeforeshewenttoslee。Idsitontheedgeofherbed，andshedtellmeaboutroblems:ateacherwholoweredhergradebecauseshewastooshytotalkinclass，aboywhoteasedher，afriendwhohadstartedsmoking。Hervoice，comingoutofthedarkness，wasyoungandquestioning。

AfewdayslaterIdhearheronthehone，reeatingsomeofthethingsIhadsaid，thingsshehadadotedforherown。

Butnowwearehavingtwokindsofartings。Iwanttheromanticizedversion，wherewegotolunchandleanacrossthetableandsayhowmuchwewillmisseachother。Iwantsmilesthroughtears，bittersweetmomentsofreminiscenceandthechancetooffersomelastbitsofwisdom。

Butassherearestodeart，Alliesfeelingshavegoneunderground。WhenIreachtotouchherarm，sheullsaway。SheturnsdowneveryinvitationIextend。Sheliesonherbed，readingEmilyDickinsonuntilIsaylhavealwayslovedEmilyDickinson，andthensheclosesthebook。

Somesaythetighteryourbondwithyourchild，thegreaterherneedtobreakaway，toestablishherownidentityintheworld，Themoreitwillhurt，theysay。Afriendofminewhowentthroughadifficulttimewithherdaughterbutnowhasbecomeclosetoheragain，tellsme，“Yourdaughterwillbebacktoyou，”

“Idontknow，”Isay。IsometimesfeelsoangrythatIwanttogooverandshakeAllie。Iwanttosay，“Talktome-oryouregrounded!”Ifeelmyselfwantingtosaythatmosthorribleofallmotherhrases:“ThinkofeverythingIvedoneforyou。”